quickie post--I'm shameless

Just a quick note to anybody reading this: if anybody knows somebody who needs a good etidor, I mean editor/writer, I'm available.

careful...

Got word today that the clothing store for which I work doesn't need me for today; that they're cutting hours. I mind the lost money, but I don't mind not working for them today. If they've hired too many people and need to get rid of some, I'll go without regret if they assess the situation fast so I can get another job fast, before the holiday season is too far gone and people've got all the help they need.

The holiday season. I have so little respect for it, but what respect I do have, other than what Christmas is to celebrate, is rooted in re-grounding yourself with family, friends. It's in coming together. I don't like the commercialization, though I do love gifts. I don't know anybody who loved the commercialization of Christmas, but I do realize that this expected influx of money allows employers to hand out more jobs, which helps out people like me, so there's a balancing act there.

The day of Thanksgiving, I told one sister I had no respect for Thanksgiving when she suggested I change for the day. She asked me why I was going to the dinner, then. I said, "For family, of course." She said, "Oh...Then dress for respect for family." This I can understand. Most holidays, to me, are just another chance to get together with family, which I appreciate more now that I'm back from CA than when I went. The one holiday I have utmost respect for is Easter, because of what it really means. You know, Christ risen and our souls pulled out of the fire, out of eternal damnation. I don't see a downside there.

I don't think I ever thought it was about a bunny. Though I do like chocolate bunnies. And those wonderful creme-filled eggs, though.

Mmmm...chocolate.

grace and self-importance

I had a pretty good Thanksgiving. Spent it with family and friends of family. Though an inordinately large amount of time was spent ogling a certain friend of my sister and brother-in-law, an enchanting woman who lives in Delaware and with whom I'd probably have no chance even if I made three times as much as I do and lived in the area. Still, it was nice looking at her...I mean listening to her.

But seriously, folks...I'm frankly humbled by the amount of grace shown by my family since I've gotten back from L.A. They've helped my out when I needed it, and still need it, and I wanted to say thanks.

I was talking with one person about blogging, though I don't think she reads my blog. She thinks blogging is an exercise in self-importance. I partially agree. But if somebody is interested enough in you to read what you have to say, why not write it down and share it? I mean, why else would somebody write, say, an autobiography? And why would publishers take them if they didn't sell? I think everybody's life has some interesting stuff going on that's appropriate for sharing--it's just a matter of distilling that from the more mundane stuff, like sharing that you blinked. Unless you haven't blinked in quite some time and that's a big thing for you. I think myself and this person just have differing viewpoints, which isn't surprising. My viewpoints are pretty different from many people I know.

I think something interesting about blogging is that it's really talking to yourself _and_ to somebody else, because when you publish it, you pretty well know somebody's going to read it. A friend, a family member, whoever. So it's not just letters to yourself, yet it's not like writing a letter to the editor, either, unless your mailing list is that big. See, to me, most writing I've done is either for one person or for many thousands--like in hopes of getting in print, so this is an interesting, new experience for me.

Time's about up. Later.

fallen

O, how the mighty have fallen! I love that line, partially because I can so aptly use it on myself. For example, check out this link:

Yeah, it's a long link, but a fast click. How many people have something in the archives of the University of Iowa Libraries? I do. But as I've been thinking recently, what have I done lately?

In graduate school, I think I got a little full of myself because of what I considered rather large accomplishments: helping Octavia Butler to come visit my class, that creative thesis, organizing and teaching _Race and Gender Issues in Science Fiction_, the first class of its kind at the U as far as I know.

But now what? I've seen so many opportunities and just...pfft...passed them by. I know probably a hundred people who would kill to have had the opportunities I have, yet I was so focused on...whatever...that I just frittered a lot of them away. Through laziness or an intolerance of pain, through whatever.

And still God keeps giving me chances. As cliched as it sounds, each day is rife with new opportunities. He hasn't given up on me yet, which is reason enough for me to not give up on myself.

I think a lot of the problem has been my disturbing lack of follow-through. I'll hear about an opportunity, but not follow up on it. I'll try something but not try hard enough. Who knows?

This isn't a blog that's going to say, "Well, golly, then I'm just gonna do my best every single day, I'm gonna turn over a new leaf, blah, blah, blah." It is saying I know what my talents are, where my gifts lie, and I have a good idea of what it is God wants me to do: write. And teach. So, as most who're reading this by invitation already know, there's where my energies are going to be focused. Well, right now, they're just focused on survival, but I'm seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, to use another cliche, and I'm reasonably certain that that light's not an oncoming train. Reasonably.

temper, temper

I'm fried. Baked. Sizzled to a crispy, ashy mess, and not just my knees. I'm still waiting for some money to come so I can buy food and, like, gas and stuff. Should be here tomorrow or the next day.

I think I live in a continual state of frustration, which might be a good thing to prompt me to ask, "Is it me?" I mean, nobody on Earth is out to get me. Mars neither. Neptune I'm not sure about, because there was that one night...

So I've started at the clothing chain. Don't really like it yet, but I'll stick with it until something better comes along. I don't mean to sound finicky, but I'd like job that I'd like. I'm happy to have a job, period, but I refuse to settle for that. I did that when I worked for Sam's Club, which was a nice place. I think this full-time job, a temp one in a mailroom (not the clothing store), is something that'll keep me inspired to keep looking for something permanent. By its nature, and despite appeals to the contrary on the part of people who work there, the mailroom job will not last that long. A couple of months at most, mayhap.

So what's the temper thing about? Money, of course. Food, lack of. Stuff like that. It'll pass. Probably stopping whining might help.

Not much more to say. I'm too baked.

Me, fashion guru?

Owing to what I can only describe as a disturbing lack of judgement, I was hired as a seasonal employee by a certain national clothing chain. That they took me on at all shows a remarkable amount of faith in me. More than I would have put.

Anyway, seems like a nice store, but nothing I saw myself doing, realistically, this time last year. I don't know how I'm going to like the place, but I need the money, and I'll certainly give it a shot. As I've said to I-don't-know-how-many people, I'm a lot more open to more things now than I was before the L.A. trip.

More importantly, I'm back to writing short stories and sending those out. I can hardly wait to get some dough so I can get a power adapter for my laptop so I can start using the thing again. Oh, and coffee money. Gotta pay rent on the table I use for the writing. Well, not really, but I call it rent. Seems wrong to just sidle up into a coffee shop and start using a table and chair and not buy anything. I mean, they're trying to run a business.

What else? Hopefully, by Jan. 1, I'll be in my own apartment, something I didn't see for myself anytime soon at the time I left L.A. I'm looking forward to that; getting stuff for the thing, like a futon, dining set, ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM!, silverware, MORE MOVIES and some bookshelves, even if they're the collegiate milk crates. As for the entertainment system, I'll just cobble together, over time, a good system. Start with a TV and work from there. Eventually, I'll want a receiver and speakers, sub, satellites and that's about it. Already have the DVD player and VCR...yep, that's about it.

Other stuff on the to-get list includes a miniDV camera, an external DVD-writer and more RAM for the computer, as well as a USB cable so the camera and computer can talk to each other. This is so I can start putting little movies together in my spare time, but it strikes me now that I don't have as much ofa desire to do this as I used to...so I'll think about it and reassess later, especially when miniDV prices are lower.

One thing I'm believing for is a fixed car and/or a new-to-me car. That's off in the future, though. More importantly, perhaps most importantly, is taking care of some bills, first of which is the university bill, without which I can't get my transcripts and continue in school. I don't know when I'd want to go back to school, but I'm sick of not having the option.

Now, all of that isn't too much to ask for, is it, God? One last thing: a more permanent full-time job. The one I have now is going to be okay, but only for two or three months, which is how long they're looking at it lasting right now. Who knows what it'll turn into, but I want something that's interesting, 8-5, at least $10/hr, preferably $12.00/hr. I have modest needs.

Meantime, the thing I'm looking forward to the most is going again to the SF writing workshop in Lawrence this next year or Clarion, either one, also this next year, though I'd prefer the first because I couldn't afford to take six weeks off of work. Two, maybe. Six, no. So that's going to be about a thousand dollars or so, which may put the entertainment system and most furniture on hold for now. Perhaps I'll bring in some cinder blocks and make chairs and get a card table at a yard sale and hope people will still come over for family dinner.

I think not.

So what's the next story about, some may wonder. I won't talk about that partially because I don't know and partially because even if I did know, talking about it takes some of the zing out of writing it, saps some of the energy from it, and then I don't usually finish those. However, I am working on a rewrite of a story of mine called _Mara_, set in the kinda-far future, where a woman finds out her beloved, ancestral homeland's being taken over by a foreigner and must find a way to cope: either go with the family somewhere else or stay where she is in a land that must and will change. Really, it's about dealing with change. Some people handle it well. Some...don't.

nice design

Well, I like this blogsite better than my journal site, which can be viewed on my own webpage (http://home.earthlink.net/~sean497/journal.html).

I just got back from L.A. last week and, thank God, seem to have found a temp job that's going to go for 2-3 months. It's rent money and I don't think I'm going to have to sweat too much. This is an assumption, though I don't know many employers who would appreciate sweat all over their files.

I am rather curious about what the actual job's going to be. Basically, it's file clerk--which sounds ideal for me because I get to get paid and the job doesn't sound like it'll require too much brainpower, which leaves most of my brain to think about the stories I'm writing/resuming--like book #5.

I gotta say, I'm so grateful to be back in Tulsa and away from L.A. L.A. is too scary. Too expensive. Too _not_ like it's shown on television. To be fair, it'd have to be one rung down from Heaven itself to live up to my twenty-some years of expectation, but I just didn't like it that much. Maybe it was the area, Hollywood. Although, I did go to some nicer areas and didn't like them much better. Just too big, too sprawly. New York, on the other hand...hm...there's an idea. Though I'd probably have to sell a screenplay to afford to live in, say, SoHo. London would be a nice option, too. Or Greece. Tulsa's good for now, though. Family, my church, that sort of thing. Don't tell them, but I appreciate so much being around family.

new here

Just saying hello for now. We'll see how well this works.

-Sean