death, suicide, Heaven, Hell--this one's scary from the wrong viewpoint

I've never been afraid of death. I will never do anything to hurry it along, but it's never been something I've been afraid of because of my belief of where I'll go afterwards.

Some people want to commit suicide. That makes no sense to me, considering where you go after you do something like that. Out of the frying pan and into eternal fire. Yeah, that's intelligent. Indeed, it's consideration of that result that's stayed my own hand when I've felt really down and wanting to end it: I could bear on through this life and "die" when I'm supposed to, or I could cut it short and go to Hell. Forever. The phrase that comes to mind for me is "monumentally stupid".

No, what I've been afraid of is life. The responsibilities involved, the work, the difficulties that at times seem to outweigh the rewards. And sometimes, I get really homesick. Not home like my upcoming apartment or with family or whatever. I mean homesick for Heaven, where I won't have to have these difficulties. I think many people feel the same, really; not that they want to die but that they're homesick.

Truth to tell, I don't even believe in death. Not really. Not where it matters. Bodies die, yes, but spirits are eternal, and one must consider where one wants one's spirit to spent eternity, and how when I get to Heaven, it's been said, this life will seem like a fading memory, like a dream. Taking it in that context, I can take whatever comes along here on Earth.

Another phrase comes to mind: "A fate worse than death". Some people cannot imagine anything worse than death. I can: life without hope. For me, it's the hope and faith in a better next chapter of life that keeps me going in this one.

I thought this blog post was going to be scary. It's not. I feel encouraged.

5 bests and Barbra Streisand

I just got done watching Barbra Streisand on _Inside the Actor's Studio_. She said a couple of the kind of things that are like pieces of a puzzle for me; once you get those pieces, you can see more of the picture that's your life. For example, as she said, art is never finished.

I understand this in a way, more clearly, than I ever had before, but the reason it's important is this: I'd always doubted, in the back of my mind, whether to be a teacher or a writer. Maybe I had made a mistake being a writer, knowing the deeper sense of satisfaction I remember feeling at the close of a class I taught back at University of Iowa. I don't get that sense of closure and the resultant satisfaction from writing. Why? Because the story's never truly _done_. It can be better. What I do is simply make it as good as I can at present and send it out. I know I'll be much better five years from now, but right now is not five years from now. You work with what you have.

I had known this distinction in the back of my head, and sometimes the middle, sometimes right up front of my head, why the satisfaction in teaching and not in writing. Because at a certain point, the class is over. Either you've done it well or not. I had. Even if I hadn't, what could I do? Build a time machine and go back? Why, even if it were possible? There's a reason time flows in one direction for us.

Another thing, something from Goethe that Streisand quoted: At the moment of commitment, the universe conspires in your favor. Something happens when you commit. Things line up. As Streisand said, when you're wishy-washy, you're p;rone to being tossed about. Commitment is, and this isn't Streisand, like putting a rudder in the water, firing up the engine, picking a course and going.

Seeing her reminded me of how wonderful her voice is, which led to my love of lists of ten best this, the top that: Herewith, a couple of my five-bests (people are named in no particular order):

Female singing voices:

Barbra Streisand
Annie Lennox
Sinéad O'Connor
Carly Simon
Judy Garland

Male singing voices:

Frank Sinatra
Tony Bennett
Willie Nelson
Johnny Cash
Tom Jones

Female actors (living or passed-on)

Katharine Hepburn
Nicole Kidman
Halle Berry
Kathy Bates
Judi Dench

Five male actors (living or passed-on)

Robert Downey, Jr.
Anthony Hopkins
Morgan Freeman
Marlon Brando
Sean Penn

Best movies

Schindler's List
Labyrinth
Blade Runner
Lonely are the Brave
Lord of the Rings: Return of the King

Reasons to live

Love
Sunsets
Puppies
Others who love you
Peace

Perhaps that last list is because I'm watching _The Pianist_.

I remember a quote from the movie _Gandhi_ and pulled it up from IMDB.com: "Whenever I despair, I remember that the way of truth and love has always won. There may be tyrants and murderers, and for a time, they may seem invincible, but in the end, they always fail. Think of it: always."

Once more into the breach

I'm just sitting here waiting to go put money down on the apartment. I'm enjoying house-sitting for Phil and Jane. They've got such a nice place, as expected with the quality of work Phil does.

I knew another builder, a carpenter, I think, who said, "Perfect is good enough." I think Phil might have the same philosophy when it comes to his work.

I think Christians should have the same philosophy. Kenneth Copeland related, once, a story that went like this: He was recording an album, and when they didn't get something, a note or a song, quite right, one of the musicians sat back and said, "Good enough for gospel". Kenneth kicked that guy out of the studio. When we're doing something for God, "good enough" is not good enough. Right, or perfect, is.

Boy, I just remember so much of God stuff over the last couple of years, how much growing has been happening inside me. How much more sense a lot of sayings in the Bible make. Things like, "be...transformed by the renewing of your mind," and "be in the world, not of it," things like that. What happens as you walk with God is you start to see a lot of things, perhaps everything, more from His point of view, which is often diametrically opposite of the world's view.

Freedom. That's what I'm thinking of now. I'm just reflecting on how free I feel now that the Hollywood thing is out of the way. It was a necessary journey. Necessary in order for me to get on with my life. I notice I have much, much less interest in the goings-on of Hollywood now. Perhaps there's a little bitterness...well, actually, no. I just don't care as much as I used to. I dont' wait with beited breath to see Brad Pitt or whoever on _The Tonight Show_. I still love movies, but I'm more interested in the making of them, in the creative process, rather than the celebrity of it. I'd be happy to be a star, as would many people, but I'd rather be known as a filmmaker--one who writes, directs and acts. I think it's partially because when I direct my own stuff, at least I can give myself a part if I like. At the same time, I wouldn't think of putting myself in everything I'll make, because I might not be right for, well, any acting part in the movie. So what? If the characters aren't something I'm good for but somebody else is, I'd be shooting myself in the foot to go with myself rather than that other person.

What I need to watch for is flailing. There's a line between being free and being in a free-fall. That's where God comes in again. Having Him as the number one priority gives me focus, groundedness while still being free--I used to say "I do what I do, and God does what He does, and somehow we come together." That's not so anymore. It's more that I submit to God and God guides me, blesses me, blesses what I set my hand to, and I live a better life than I could have otherwise.

The Crypt

I work in a crypt (not a real one). There’s nothing alive here, save for my fellow workers.

I like it. Nobody to pester me about prices on this or do we have that in a small?

I’m starting to make a little headway on bills, but just as importantly, or more so, I picked out my apartment today. I’ve been trying to decide which apartment complex in which to live, did that, and now chose a specific apartment. Which was a lot easier, since all the apartments that are the size I want have the same floorplan, and I only looked at two: the model and a regular, bare one.

I’m house-sitting for my sister, and I’m having a good time doing it. Taking care of my brother-in-law’s dogs is kind of fun. I get out there and start petting them, hugging them, just showing them some love since their owner isn’t there to show them affection. They’ll be back in a little under a week; right now, they’re out in Tahoe visiting relatives for Christmas.

What else? Well, I haven’t gotten too much rest lately because I keep having to get up before I really want to in order to get stuff done regarding the apartment. And my phone bill, which I have to keep on or it won’t look too good to the utility companies when I sign on for them. Great. More bills. Well, it’s all budgeted, and once I get the late ones caught up, I’ll be fine. It’s just going to hurt for a little while. Which is why I’m so glad there’s this job. Money helps when trying to pay bills.

lablog...(possibly) parting shot

Los Angeles in the Fall

Like thousands, perhaps millions, of others, I went to Los Angeles in pursuit of a dream; I was going to be a star.
Then I arrived in Hollywood. Almost immediately, I felt betrayed, lied to, scared and intimidated. That was before I got out of the car. Hollywood wasn't as advertised. Surprise.
I found my way, after a few trips around the block, to the hostel where I was to stay, got a parking place and settled in.
Over the next few days, I drove around to what places I could, took care of getting set up in L.A.. I even took in _The Tonight Show with Jay Leno_ on a lark.
I got registered with Central Casting, got to know some of the people at the hostel and tried to get work. And tried. And tried, until, finally, a woman named Cathy who was also staying where I was suggested I spec the movie on which she worked as an extra. To spec means you go to where they’re shooting, meet the extras casting director and see if they can use you for the day. I didn’t get the job the first or second day, I think, but before long, Marty took me in and I wound up working for, in total, perhaps ten or eleven days on the Adam Sandler remake of _The Longest Yard_ (cool--met Stone Cold Steve Austin, made some friends--great stuff with great people).

I was going to chronicle all the stuff that happened out there, on the shoot and in L.A., but I won't. I feel like I'd be repeating myself. So, the nub of it:

L.A. is like many other places: harsh and kind, hard yet welcoming, expensive yet...well, expensive. Thanks to God, I found nothing but people wanting to help me out, but I was unprepared and didn’t want it enough. Point: If you're going there to be a star, take this in: Want it so much you HAVE to do it; then prepare yourself. Bring four, five grand if you’ve already got a car; be prepared to buy one if you haven’t got one. Even with people helping you, if you haven’t the training, the desire, the work ethic (you're there to WORK), and the resources, you’re setting yourself up to fail. So get them, then go. And be nice. Really, you've no idea how important that is (but here's a hint: you CANNOT make it alone). People will respond in kind.

So I'd like to thank the following people for their kindness, the likes of which I'll never forget:

Keri--for being so welcoming and introducing me to Ruby and Savannah, for wanting to include me
Ian--for showing me much respect and earning mine in the bargain
Mark--for trying so hard for me
Carson--for the listening and the commitment
Cathy--for the open door; I might not have lasted as long as I did out there without you
Carl--for being so compassionate
Paul--for also trying for me. I seriously want to work with you, dude, someday
Dale--for caring so much, for checking up on me, for listening, for being like an uncle to me
Freddy--for also caring, helping out when you could, for supporting me especially at the low point; you're all heart, man
Kendall--for also trying
Sticks--for the introduction to Deadwood
Jesse from the food fight scene and Deadwood--for being so accepting
Marty--for taking a chance on me
Sean P.--for putting up with another neurotic actor
Steve Austin--just for saying hello--I watched you work, and I've so much respect for you
Terry Crews--for being a regular guy, welcoming and friendly to me when you didn't even know me. Thanks for that.

Anybody else I forgot, sorry and thanks. I haven't given up on movies; I'm just going around the back door.

Finally, thank you, God. I learned things on that trip I could never have learned without going to L.A. And now I feel free. Thank You. I love You.

day off

I want a day off. I think I’ll get that Sunday. I mean, an entire day to myself.

I panicked last night with the paycheck thing. It came today, thank God. See, I’d heard things about checks from my employer, how sometimes they might not get sent out on time. In large part, they do get out and on-time, and if not it’s because of employee error. I hoped I hadn’t made an error. Still, I didn’t expect even myself to be that nervous and edgy about it.

On the brighter side, I’ve pretty well decided which apartment I’m going to go with: the more expensive one. It’s going to be worth it, and I’ll just have to do what I can to make up the difference in cost. Still, I’ve got it budgeted, and it looks like the budget will work as long as my income doesn’t go down much, and that’s taking care of everything.

I think the family’s a little nervous about my not taking the cheaper apartment, because what if it blows up in my face and I wind up not being able to make rent? Am I going to ask them for a hand-out...again? Hope not.

Why’m I putting such personal stuff on the blog? I figure it might as well be about something. It’s kind of like a journal for me. Just putting thoughts on paper...well, into a computer anyway.

pissy--be warned

Okay, I know my job is not my source of supply; God is. Still, my check from work didn't come today, when it should have, and I'm more than a little pissed and nervous about it.

I should just go and get the check instead of have them mail it--mail, while usually reliable, is often untimely.

work and a home

Blog bit:

Well, it’s been a little while since I last posted. A week or so, I think. Some stuff’s happened, mostly involving getting an apartment. I’ve been qualified, which is a big step for me, to lease a good apartment in a good neighborhood. I’m debating between two complexes, both run by the same company. One’s good and in a pretty good neighborhood while the other’s cheaper and in a better neighborhood. It’s not as nice as the first, but saving money might be worth it, since it’s forty-five bucks per month difference. I’m inclined to go with the cheaper one as long as it’s still a good apartment, and just sign a six-month lease. That way, even if I don’t like it, I’m not stuck there forever.

I’m writing this at work on my computer. As in MY computer, not a computer I’ve been assigned at work. They let me take my laptop in, since it’s not Wi-Fi and not compatible with the stuff they use around here, which is a great boredom alleviator.

Actually, though, I don’t think I would be bored anyway because I also get to bring books. It was, indeed, suggested that I might bring a book for the down times. As I’m getting more familiar with the job, I have less down time, but it’s still there, and I get antsy with not much to do. I’ve been conditioned to always be doing something when at work. “You got time to lean, you got time to clean,” said David Spade’s character in _Reality Bites_. The fast food industry mantra.

I gotta say, I'm so grateful that I didn't get hired back on at Sam's Club. Good place to work, but it didn't pay enough; thank God I've gotten on somewhere where there's more remuneration and a good possibility of permanence. I mean, I'm, thank God, doing well enough that the woman who's been training me is taking a day off. Now that's a vote of confidence.

I miss this blogging--it's such a great way to let people know what's up on my end without calling them, which can get spendy, and at a time that's convenient for them.

good day

Well, I've sort of reconsidered my position on sending the computer all the way back to Apple just so's they can put that magnet in it. There's an Apple repair guy who comes into CompUSA on Wednesdays who might have what I'm looking for, so I might go that route first.

I went to church tonight, got my spiritual fill-up for the nonce. I'm really glad to be back going to a church I like, even love. Makes all the difference when you get into a church that's right for you. I think a lot of people would be a lot less discontented or even outright hostile toward God, other people, whomever, if they just went to the church where they are supposed to be rather than, perhaps, the one their parents went to when the only reason they go to that one is because their parents did. Because of tradition, habit, whatever.

I'm seeing being spiritual, being a Christian, as a continual growing experience. Life keeps happening and I keep growing, I remain interested in it, I keep learning, especially from the perspective of a Christian, which is quite a different lens on the world than people who are of the world. I see many things not backwards compared to the world's view but opposite from the world's view. In some area, somebody still in the world may see a thing one way and I'll see the same thing the exact opposite way. I like this way better.

blondes, boredom and anger

Blog Entry for 12/10/04

Here I am sitting next to a beautiful blonde at work in an undisclosed location and being bored out of my mind for x bucks an hour. There’s also a sort of nerdy guy, typical computer guy, who’s going to be my co-worker. The blonde is training me. Would that it were the other way round and the guy was training me and I’d work with the blonde. Still, as my sister-in-law said, that’d probably just get me in trouble. I’d ask the blonde out, she might say no, and things would be weird from there on in.

X an hour to basically babysit files. Not bad work if you can get it.

Although...I still see it, and any job that’s not writing, as a means to an end. A way to help survive until I can survive on the money from the writing. So I see file-sitting as a career? Heck, no! Maybe a year at most, preferably less than that. Turns out I’m an ambitious sort. I’ve got things to do, like making short films, writing stories, doing art. These creative outlets are like soul-refreshers for me.

I got the computer back today from its being fixed at Apple, and they didn’t replace the little magnet that helps hold the keyboard down so it doesn’t bow up. So I called and they said the only thing they can do is have the computer sent back in so they can replace the magnet. They can’t send the magnet out for whatever reason. I’m a little pissed at that, more than at the carelessness or lack of attention to detail that would have them forget the little thing. Because of that, I have to be without the computer for a few more days. Argh. It’d better get back soon, like as fast as they got it back to me this time, which was admittedly impressive. One day there, one day to fix, back the next morning.

The more I think about it, the more angry I get, so I’d best not think about it much more.

Other stuff...I should probably get up and do some work...

All right, then, it's after work and I'm sitting at home at one-twenty in the morning being a geek still playing with my computer.

I had an interesting run-in with an acquaintance who told me to be careful of the church to which I'm going. Some irregularities there, I gather. Still, she advised me to ask the Holy Ghost, see what He says about the place. I have, and the impression I get is to keep going. If I hear more things about the place, I'll ask again and perhaps do a little checking myself. No church is perfect, but one mustn't go about with blinders on. And I trust that the truth will out in the end.

new job

Well, glory be to God. I prayed with someone from the Abundant Life Prayer Group at Oral Roberts Evangelistic Association for a job that would provide income sufficient to meet my needs and He provided on. Thank you, God.

It's through Kelly Services and it's basically being a file clerk. I think there's some computer work involved--I hope there is. Anyway, it's full-time, second shift, Monday-Friday I hope. I don't want to give up weekends. They're for church, family and the clothing place, which I've actually grown to like. I didn't like it before, turns out because it was slow, but I love it when the pace quickens. I hope this new job is like that as well. I'd love to be making the income from the new one an the clothing place--it'd get me that much closer to getting back to school that much faster, some debts paid _off_ instead of just paid _on_, that sort of thing.

I guess that's about it for the moment. I'm out of the mailroom job because of this one, and the temp service I was with let me know that since I didn't give two weeks' notice before leaving that they wouldn't be able to use me again. That's understandable, and I knew that, roughly, before I took on this new, other job.

Weird. I'm excited about this new job--actually, I'm mostly excited about the money, but the job as well.

Hope there's no heavy lifting.

More later.

new job, perhaps?

Well, a temp service with whom I work has come up with an interesting offer of a job that would pay more than 50% above what I make now, which would be enough to get me my own apartment and more--like pay some bills. And they're talking like it's permanent. Thing is just to find out what exactly the job is and where and whether it's full time. The money's good, but not if it's only twenty hours a week. That I could maybe do in addition to a full-time job, but...we'll see how things go.

More good news: my computer's logic board (I'm writing this at the library) went kablooey...again. Apple said they'll fix it this third time and if it screws up again, same problem, they'll see what they can do about replacing the computer. They acknowledge that, sometimes, a lemon goes out, and why keep fixing the same problem over and over? So I'm on my way back home to pick up the box to send it to the repair place in and we'll just see how things go from there. What's cool is that if this above-mentioned job works out, I don't start until 3pm, which will give me time to meet the delivery feller when he brings my computer back. I'd have to bail on the assignment I'm already on with another temp agency, but I think they'd understand, given the circumstances on my current assignment, which I'll not go into.

Anyway, more on this as it happens.

Oh, and one of my old friends/mentors is playing matchmaker for me. Which I dig. We'll see where this goes, but I'm much more open to relationships now that I've got Hollywood less on my mind. I'll probably never feel totally ready, but I feel...readier.

Apple, Word and a fixed computer, thank God

Well, it seems as though the computer’s back up and running. Something was wrong with the PRAM (perimeter RAM) or the power manager or something, but it appears to be fixed, thanks to God, Todd and Amanda for the internet usage and the ever-helpful Apple website...I’d like to dedicate this award...

I wonder why people use Microsoft Word when there are better programs out there, less intrusively helpful ones. I know why, actually: because most of the PC-using world used Word. Because it works.

But I remember a line from _Pirates of Silicon Valley_, from Steve Jobs to Bill Gates: Steve: We’re better than you. Bill: That doesn’t matter.

Bill was right. I’d love to see Apple with a bigger market share, but that’s probably not going to happen. Apple will probably never see more than 7-10 percent of the market in terms of their portion of computers used. But maybe they’re not out to be the biggest. Just the best.

They’ve succeeded.

Other things:

When I write letters with nothing to say, I often put down in the beginning that I have nothing do say. That’s because that usually turns out to be a long letter. I think of stuff.

Here, though, I don’t really know that I have that much to say, or perhaps my nutrient-deprived brain is running through fog. Point is, more later.

birthdays and computers

It’s my sister’s birthday for fifty-eight more minutes. I called her, and that was it. I didn’t even get a card for her. I simply forgot. Busy, I guess, but how would I like that as an excuse should somebody forget my birthday? I don’t think I would.

Mostly, I was helping another sister, Jodi, in her yard, getting leaved sucked and chopped into mulch with a leaf...sucker, I guess. Anyway, that was sort of fun, on its own level, but it’s also a good way to not have to pay rent: help out around the house. Novel concept, no. I’m just glad it works.

Sort of like this computer. Seems like the logic board’s gone out. Something like that, though if that were the case, I wouldn’t be typing this. The screen went out last night, and, long story short, I learned from the Apple website how to reset the parameter RAM, which helps, and to reset the power monitoring unit or whatever, which lets the thing continue working, though still hobbled, because if I pick up the laptop, as I’m wont to do, the computer freezes and the screen bugs out again. So don’t pick the laptop up. Duh. But that won’t do. A laptop should be able to be picked up, carried around, carried along on a waltz if you want to. Still, the computer’s under an extended warranty, which should enable it to get fixed at no cost to me.

I don’t know what would have caused this problem, though. Maybe sleeping with my head canted on it, but it wasn’t so much on it as against it as it was in its computer bag, which I’d placed behind a pillow as I stayed at the hostel in L.A.

Anyway, I’m glad it’s working for the moment, especially after it’d been out of commission for a few weeks. Perhaps the problem has somthing to do with the fact that I let the battery run down so far after the adapter went kablooey (two-ish weeks later, I’ve got another one, which works, but which is not above suspicion.

The point is simply that the laptop’s got a problem, it’s got an extended warranty to cover the problem, and if Apple doesn’t make it right, I’ll just go to another manufacturer in the future.