5/29/05
What to write about this time?
I made arrangements to meet the gal I was to meet yesterday for coffee today. She didn’t show up. Again. I tried text messages, left voice mail. Nothing. I’ll probably have found some apologetic stuff on my messenger thingy when I get home.
I was telling somebody that I’ll probably arrange to go out with her one more time, and if she still stands me up, she’s gone. Sort of the three strikes thing.
Actually, I’m not that upset about it. Recent experience has taught me to not get so attached so quickly, particularly to people whom I meet over the internet. I mean, seriously. And there’s another gal with whom I’ve actually had lunch who has got my interest.
Not that much else to write about. Although I notice my screen on the computer flickers a fair amount. I wonder if that’s due to jostling or if it’s symptomatic of the same problem that’s plagued this model since its inception: bad logic boards. I keep hoping it goes out, and honestly, because if it does, and it’s the logic board, then that’ll be the third time for it to happen, and Apple’s policy on that is that they’ll just send me a new computer rather than keep fixing something that keeps breaking. Cheaper for them, better for me.
I tell you, Apple stuff is great, but get the Extended Protection Plan--it’s already paid for itself about five times over with my computer. Two new logic boards, a new keyboard, new cd tray, what else?...That’s about all that comes to mind. And they’re prompt with fixing the stuff, too. Usually have it back about two days or three at the most after I’ve sent it, though they give themselves about a week to ten days, just in case. And the tech support people are really good, too--patient, caring, knowledgeable. And I’m not even applying for a tech support position with Apple. Although, I am considering becoming an Apple Certified Techie--extra stream of income there. So many people are MS Certified, not so many are Apple certified. Which makes sense, proportionately-speaking, but which also tells me there might be a nice niche I can wedge myself into. While everybody else is fixing Windows machines, I can fix Macs. There might be a bigger slice of that smaller pie, is what I’m saying. And I’ve done it before. It’s actually great fun. Like playing with really expensive Legos.
I think I’ve solved the problem of my inaccurate typing, which I’d been bugged by for a long time: look at the screen more, rather than just staring off into space. Yes, I can type by touch, without looking, but I make fewer mistakes by 1) slowing down and 2) watching what I’m doing.
I remember asking one of my bosses, about ten years ago, what I could do to improve my job performance. He just suggested that I think about what I’m doing. Very good advice. I used to just kinda bull ahead more than I do now, which is why he suggested that.
I just reminded myself of Refman, which is short for Reference Manager, a great database system I used to use. I wish they made it for Mac still. I’m halfway tempted to get a Windows machine just to have certain programs and games I can’t get on the Mac. I still say no, though--Windows stuff is too susceptible to viruses and, as for games, if I want to play games, I’ll just get a Sony PS2. I won’t, probably, wait for the PS3 because I don’t feel like spending $350.00-$400.00 on the thing when I can do just fine with $150.00 and spend the rest of that money on a couple of good games. That is, assuming I had the money for that to begin with.
I claimed my debts paid yesterday--made a quality decision for that. I’m believing that as I tithe and give, God’ll bring more money my way, will help what money I have to grow and stretch, and the bills will get paid off. I’m looking forward so much to having no credit card bills, to having nobody I owe, to being more financially stable. And I’ve started down that road, at last. Thank God.
5/30/05
I’m sitting here at Starbuck’s again. Waiting for this woman again. This is her last shot, so if she doesn’t show up by 2p, she’s off the map, as far as I’m concerned. Forget about it.
I’m tempted to get a text message ready for her, something to the effect of “That’s strike three. You’re out.” Thing is, last time I did something like that, I sent it too soon and screwed things up. so I’m not getting ready to do it until I mean to do it. Which his about twenty-five minutes from now. A half-hour late is officially late.
5/31/05
Good news: She showed up. It went well. We're hoping to get together again Thursday. :)
Tuesday, 31 May 2005
Saturday, 28 May 2005
amendment
Great. Now I have to amend my previous post because the gal I was to meet with about whom I wrote last time apologized and explained what happened, and I believe her. That took some guts, and I love that she did that. Anyway, she's had a rough day. We're meeting tomorrow, which I'm looking forward to. See you soon, J.!
rain
5/24/05
Well, got the time card turned in on time, which has its benefits. After the fiasco of a couple of weeks ago, I don’t anticipate forgetting about that for quite some time, if ever again.
One of my friends, Ed, is moving back up to Iowa. I’m a litttle envious, wishing I was moving back up to Iowa City. I’m going to try very hard to get into the University of Iowa. I’d love to spend another five years in Iowa City.
I was talking with a potential girlfriend today about contentment and satisfaction, stuff like that. I told her my pastor, Eastman, says, “Enjoy where you are on the way to where you’re going.” That means pretty much what it says, and is a way to sort of have your cake and eat it too in the spiritual sense and in the natural sense. Many people are dissatisfied but don’t do anything about it, so they go on being dissatisfied. Others are always pushing forward, but they’re so focused on the end of the trip that they don’t enjoy the trip itself--so they’re not stagnant like those who do nothing to improve their situation, but they are missing out on a lot of great stuff while they’re achieving their goal. The best thing to do is keep striving for your ultimate prize but to remember to also take the time, make the time, to enjoy the trip there--that way, when you arrive, you’ll be in that much better shape.
I remember, and I think I might’ve mentioned it before, a similar situation in Star Trek: The Next Generation. In the episode called “Lal”, the android Data makes an offspring android, a daughter whom he calls “Lal”, and is set to raise/educate her. Lal at one point asks Data, who has striven to be as humanlike as possible, why he continues to strive for a goal he’ll never reach. Data says that it doesn’t matter that we’ll never reach the goal; there is much to be learned in the journey.
5/25/05
Wow. I thought this might happen in this case, and it has. I’d been getting e-mails, and responding to them, from a girl in Russia. She wants to come over from there on a 40-day holiday and has asked me for financial help. Good grief. I told her I couldn’t and not ot contact me again.
I figured this was some kind of scam but was willing ot give the gal a chance, but I had my guard up simply because of the distance, her not using my name, the sort of generalized tone of the e-mails--bunches of red flags. Still, as I said, i wanted to give her a shot. Well, she’s had it, and I’ll have to block her from contacting me again if I receive any more e-mials form her. I’m glad that, because of those flags, I gave no personal information in the way of social security numbers, bank account numbers, anything like that.
People still actually fall for this? The only thing that gives me pause is I did give her my new e-mail address. I had wondered how she was contacting me until I saw that e-mail I sent her.
Anyway, I’m off to see _Hitch_, after a bit of shopping--It’s so convenient here, since I’m already in the mall.
5/28/05
Not quite sure why I haven’t actually posted this blog yet. Maybe i was waiting for stuff to happen. Well, not a lot has, actually. I’m sitting here in Starbuck’s waiting for a woman who was to have shown up at about twelve-thirty, which was almost an hour and fifteen minutes ago. Methinks she’s not showing up.
Which destroys any chance she had with me, particularly since she’s made no contact with me telling me she was going to be late, she was nervous and didn’t want to come, she just couldn’t make it. Whatever. I’ll try to contact her once more, and if she doesn’t answer, she’s off my list of candidates, which may be for the better anyway.
If she comes up with the excuse that she forgot, I won’t accept it, as I reminded her often enough that she should not have forgotten.
Still, she apparently has some family issues she’s dealing with. If, however, those issues are such that she can’t be meeting people, she should say so. That way I don’t waste my time.
Sounds selfish, huh?
I dunno.
I watched _White Noise_ last night. I can’t wait to get the thing back to the video rental place. It suckethed. Michael Keaton should know better than to involve himself in a piece of crap like this.
Still, maybe it wasn’t so bad in script form and in shooting but got screwed up in editiing. There are so many stages a film goes through from script to the screen--so many opportunities for it to get messed up.
Whenever I make a film, I want there to be a minimum of writers and producers on it. It’s a simple principle, really: too many cooks in the kitchen.
Well, got the time card turned in on time, which has its benefits. After the fiasco of a couple of weeks ago, I don’t anticipate forgetting about that for quite some time, if ever again.
One of my friends, Ed, is moving back up to Iowa. I’m a litttle envious, wishing I was moving back up to Iowa City. I’m going to try very hard to get into the University of Iowa. I’d love to spend another five years in Iowa City.
I was talking with a potential girlfriend today about contentment and satisfaction, stuff like that. I told her my pastor, Eastman, says, “Enjoy where you are on the way to where you’re going.” That means pretty much what it says, and is a way to sort of have your cake and eat it too in the spiritual sense and in the natural sense. Many people are dissatisfied but don’t do anything about it, so they go on being dissatisfied. Others are always pushing forward, but they’re so focused on the end of the trip that they don’t enjoy the trip itself--so they’re not stagnant like those who do nothing to improve their situation, but they are missing out on a lot of great stuff while they’re achieving their goal. The best thing to do is keep striving for your ultimate prize but to remember to also take the time, make the time, to enjoy the trip there--that way, when you arrive, you’ll be in that much better shape.
I remember, and I think I might’ve mentioned it before, a similar situation in Star Trek: The Next Generation. In the episode called “Lal”, the android Data makes an offspring android, a daughter whom he calls “Lal”, and is set to raise/educate her. Lal at one point asks Data, who has striven to be as humanlike as possible, why he continues to strive for a goal he’ll never reach. Data says that it doesn’t matter that we’ll never reach the goal; there is much to be learned in the journey.
5/25/05
Wow. I thought this might happen in this case, and it has. I’d been getting e-mails, and responding to them, from a girl in Russia. She wants to come over from there on a 40-day holiday and has asked me for financial help. Good grief. I told her I couldn’t and not ot contact me again.
I figured this was some kind of scam but was willing ot give the gal a chance, but I had my guard up simply because of the distance, her not using my name, the sort of generalized tone of the e-mails--bunches of red flags. Still, as I said, i wanted to give her a shot. Well, she’s had it, and I’ll have to block her from contacting me again if I receive any more e-mials form her. I’m glad that, because of those flags, I gave no personal information in the way of social security numbers, bank account numbers, anything like that.
People still actually fall for this? The only thing that gives me pause is I did give her my new e-mail address. I had wondered how she was contacting me until I saw that e-mail I sent her.
Anyway, I’m off to see _Hitch_, after a bit of shopping--It’s so convenient here, since I’m already in the mall.
5/28/05
Not quite sure why I haven’t actually posted this blog yet. Maybe i was waiting for stuff to happen. Well, not a lot has, actually. I’m sitting here in Starbuck’s waiting for a woman who was to have shown up at about twelve-thirty, which was almost an hour and fifteen minutes ago. Methinks she’s not showing up.
Which destroys any chance she had with me, particularly since she’s made no contact with me telling me she was going to be late, she was nervous and didn’t want to come, she just couldn’t make it. Whatever. I’ll try to contact her once more, and if she doesn’t answer, she’s off my list of candidates, which may be for the better anyway.
If she comes up with the excuse that she forgot, I won’t accept it, as I reminded her often enough that she should not have forgotten.
Still, she apparently has some family issues she’s dealing with. If, however, those issues are such that she can’t be meeting people, she should say so. That way I don’t waste my time.
Sounds selfish, huh?
I dunno.
I watched _White Noise_ last night. I can’t wait to get the thing back to the video rental place. It suckethed. Michael Keaton should know better than to involve himself in a piece of crap like this.
Still, maybe it wasn’t so bad in script form and in shooting but got screwed up in editiing. There are so many stages a film goes through from script to the screen--so many opportunities for it to get messed up.
Whenever I make a film, I want there to be a minimum of writers and producers on it. It’s a simple principle, really: too many cooks in the kitchen.
Wednesday, 25 May 2005
5/24/05
Well, got the time card turned in on time, which has its benefits. After the fiasco of a couple of weeks ago, I don’t anticipate forgetting about that for quite some time, if ever again.
One of my friends, Ed, is moving back up to Iowa. I’m a litttle envious, wishing I was moving back up to Iowa City. I’m going to try very hard to get into the University of Iowa. I’d love to spend another five years in Iowa City.
I was talking with a potential girlfriend today about contentment and satisfaction, stuff like that. I told her my pastor, Eastman, says, “Enjoy where you are on the way to where you’re going.” That means pretty much what it says, and is a way to sort of have your cake and eat it too in the spiritual sense and in the natural sense. Many people are dissatisfied but don’t do anything about it, so they go on being dissatisfied. Others are always pushing forward, but they’re so focused on the end of the trip that they don’t enjoy the trip itself--so they’re not stagnant like those who do nothing to improve their situation, but they are missing out on a lot of great stuff while they’re achieving their goal. The best thing to do is keep striving for your ultimate prize but to remember to also take the time, make the time, to enjoy the trip there--that way, when you arrive, you’ll be in that much better shape.
I remember, and I think I might’ve mentioned it before, a similar situation in Star Trek: The Next Generation. In the episode called “Lal”, the android Data makes an offspring android, a daughter whom he calls “Lal”, and is set to raise/educate her. Lal at one point asks Data, who has striven to be as humanlike as possible, why he continues to strive for a goal he’ll never reach. Data says that it doesn’t matter that we’ll never reach the goal; there is much to be learned in the journey.
5/25/05
Wow. I thought this might happen in this case, and it has. I’d been getting e-mails, and responding to them, from a girl in Russia. She wants to come over from there on a 40-day holiday and has asked me for financial help. Good grief. I told her I couldn’t and not ot contact me again.
I figured this was some kind of scam but was willing ot give the gal a chance, but I had my guard up simply because of the distance, her not using my name, the sort of generalized tone of the e-mails--bunches of red flags. Still, as I said, i wanted to give her a shot. Well, she’s had it, and I’ll have to block her from contacting me again if I receive any more e-mials form her. I’m glad that, because of those flags, I gave no personal information in the way of social security numbers, bank account numbers, anything like that.
People still actually fall for this? The only thing that gives me pause is I did give her my new e-mail address. I had wondered how she was contacting me until I saw that e-mail I sent her.
Anyway, I’m off to see _Hitch_, after a bit of shopping--It’s so convenient here, since I’m already in the mall.
Well, got the time card turned in on time, which has its benefits. After the fiasco of a couple of weeks ago, I don’t anticipate forgetting about that for quite some time, if ever again.
One of my friends, Ed, is moving back up to Iowa. I’m a litttle envious, wishing I was moving back up to Iowa City. I’m going to try very hard to get into the University of Iowa. I’d love to spend another five years in Iowa City.
I was talking with a potential girlfriend today about contentment and satisfaction, stuff like that. I told her my pastor, Eastman, says, “Enjoy where you are on the way to where you’re going.” That means pretty much what it says, and is a way to sort of have your cake and eat it too in the spiritual sense and in the natural sense. Many people are dissatisfied but don’t do anything about it, so they go on being dissatisfied. Others are always pushing forward, but they’re so focused on the end of the trip that they don’t enjoy the trip itself--so they’re not stagnant like those who do nothing to improve their situation, but they are missing out on a lot of great stuff while they’re achieving their goal. The best thing to do is keep striving for your ultimate prize but to remember to also take the time, make the time, to enjoy the trip there--that way, when you arrive, you’ll be in that much better shape.
I remember, and I think I might’ve mentioned it before, a similar situation in Star Trek: The Next Generation. In the episode called “Lal”, the android Data makes an offspring android, a daughter whom he calls “Lal”, and is set to raise/educate her. Lal at one point asks Data, who has striven to be as humanlike as possible, why he continues to strive for a goal he’ll never reach. Data says that it doesn’t matter that we’ll never reach the goal; there is much to be learned in the journey.
5/25/05
Wow. I thought this might happen in this case, and it has. I’d been getting e-mails, and responding to them, from a girl in Russia. She wants to come over from there on a 40-day holiday and has asked me for financial help. Good grief. I told her I couldn’t and not ot contact me again.
I figured this was some kind of scam but was willing ot give the gal a chance, but I had my guard up simply because of the distance, her not using my name, the sort of generalized tone of the e-mails--bunches of red flags. Still, as I said, i wanted to give her a shot. Well, she’s had it, and I’ll have to block her from contacting me again if I receive any more e-mials form her. I’m glad that, because of those flags, I gave no personal information in the way of social security numbers, bank account numbers, anything like that.
People still actually fall for this? The only thing that gives me pause is I did give her my new e-mail address. I had wondered how she was contacting me until I saw that e-mail I sent her.
Anyway, I’m off to see _Hitch_, after a bit of shopping--It’s so convenient here, since I’m already in the mall.
Thursday, 19 May 2005
that doesn't sound so hard
5/17/05
The next blog.
Sometimes. There’s an interesting word; sometimes. All the time is sometimes, in some circumstances. Sort of reminds me of an observation by Msr. Bon Jovi: “It’s five o’clock somewhere.” Roughly.
I find it interesting that some of, if not all of, my best writing comes when I don’t censor myself. When I have a direction, perhaps, but I just fly through the thing without thinking too much about it. Perhaps that’s when I really speak with my voice.
It reminds me of chatting online with people. When I’m doint that, I’ll say things I’d never have teh courage to say, or the temerity, in person. Perhaps that’s because there’s that barrier, a sort of shroud of safety in that the pther person and I aren’t really talking to deah other. Which beggars that question of what “real” talking is. Is it voice to voice, as over teh phone. Is it face-to-face? Why is it not considered real talking when you’re chatting? Lack of formality? Lack of input from teh other person in terms of tone, in terms of facial cues? And, concurrently, what is it about writing things online that makes it okay to use what I’ll call blogspeak. This is the shortening of terms, such as using b4 for before. There’s also the lack of attention to grammar, spelling, punctuation online, and not just on blogs but on, for example news sites. I personally find a discomfiting lack of discipline in much of the informal writing I find on the net. I find it so because, even in a blog sent out only to a few friends, you’re still writing for an audience, so it behooves you to write as well as you’re able. I.E., don’t be careless about it. When writing for yourself, that’s one thing; for an audience, it’s much different.
5/18/05
Ever listened to asong that you can’t seem to get enough of? I’m experiencing that lately with Rob Zombie’s “Demon Speeding”. I’m getting back into him of late, so I downloaded a few songs from Apple’s iTunes, “Demon Speeding”, “Superbeast” and “Spookshow Baby (Black Leather Catsuit) (Mix)”. Next, I think is...hmmm, the “El Phantasmo and the Chicken Run Bowl-O-Rama”. That might be worth getting just for the title. That way I can tell people something unusual when they ask what my favorite song is.
More later. Mebbe.
5/19/05
Guess it’s my day to clean house. I found that, as quite often happens when talking with people on the net, at least one of them has not represented themselves with full discolosure, so to speak. Although, I do have to say they referred me to a web site with an accurate picture of them, and my attraction to them went striaght out the window. I feel callous ofr saying it, but the fact is I no longer find her attractive. Nice face, but, as I told her, bigger than I’m used to. Not four hundred pounds big, but too large for me.
So why not look past that? I simply can’t see myself with her. I’m not looking for somebody who’s model-perfect, but I have to have some attraction to them--I want the total package in that I want a great personality in an attractive person. I feel like I have that and I want it. I deserve it not because I’ve earned it an any sense but because I deserve to be attracted to someobdy with whom I might get involved.
And I felt a bit misled.
So, if anybody out there starts talking to somebody online, make sure there’s a good, accurate picture of the person on the site where you’re talking to them, or somewhere. I think people who only show pictures of their face or of one particular bodypart are hiding something, and so they are to be avoided--otherwise you’re just buying into their concealment.
I wasl also supposed to meet someobdy today, but they’re feeling poorly. the cynic in me says, “Interesting timing, that.” It says they’re nervous about meeting me. but I am not broken up about that at all because I was nervous, too. And the person does some things I don’t agree with--I shouldn’t be more specific. They weren’t right for me, but I was going to plunge ahead and meet them anyway, like an idiot.
But something happened recently; I prayed for God’s help, something along that line, and I feel like he’s intervened on my behalf. I, as I always should, am trusting him to open the doors that should be opened and shut those that need to be closed.
I’m also going to be more specific on the website where I’m meeting these people about what I will and will not accept. I think I was too open, which is not fair to anybody contacting me.
I know at least one relative who reminds me that I’m no spring chicken anymore. I should get with somebody. Thing is, it’s got to be the right somebody, and for that, I really have to listen more to God and trust him to bring myself and his intended for me together, and to stop sabotaging myself.
Interesting, isn’t it, how we tend to do that; sabotage ouselves into getting what we think we deserve, not what God’s got intended for us. God wants the best for us, and all we have to do is seek his will, know it, and to listen to him, to trust him. The peace in our hearts that comes from the Holy Spirit will serve as a great barometer for any situation, particularly in any interpersonal relationship. We’re good at deceiving ourselves, which is why we often don’t follow the Holy Spirit as closely as we should: we listen a bit for that still, small voice, and then we speak to ourselves in a similar voice that we convince ourselves is the Holy Spirit, but which is in reality not that. Sometimes, we can even become so good at deceiving ourselves that Satan cn just have his minions sit back and enjoy the show--they don’t have to deceive us because we’re doing such a good job of it ourselves. Why? Because we won’t listen. Why won’t we listen? Because we’re afraid that if we do, the Holy Spirit will tell us something we don’t want to hear, will instruct us to do something we don’t want to do. That’s where the renewing of our minds comes in; when we turn ourselves fully over to God, he renews our minds and fills our hearts with his desires, so that when we’ve got him first in priority, really, we don’t want anything that God wouldn’t want for us.
Interesting. Very interesting.
I wonder how much more we would enjoy our lives if we remembered our place, for Christians as the sons and daughters of God. If we would rely on God, really do so, for everything. Use the grace he gives us to resist Satan and his minions and to let God be God. I remember a verse from the bible, at the end of Ecclesiastes; the author, Solomon, I think, had tried about everything he could to gain knowledge, wisdom, happiness, to find something worthwhile. When it came down to it, he found the end of the matter to be: “Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.” I think that’s Ecclesiastes 12:13. That’s what we do. Fear God not in the sense of being terrified but in terms of reverencing him and respecting him and doing what he commands us to do.
That doesn’t sound so hard.
The next blog.
Sometimes. There’s an interesting word; sometimes. All the time is sometimes, in some circumstances. Sort of reminds me of an observation by Msr. Bon Jovi: “It’s five o’clock somewhere.” Roughly.
I find it interesting that some of, if not all of, my best writing comes when I don’t censor myself. When I have a direction, perhaps, but I just fly through the thing without thinking too much about it. Perhaps that’s when I really speak with my voice.
It reminds me of chatting online with people. When I’m doint that, I’ll say things I’d never have teh courage to say, or the temerity, in person. Perhaps that’s because there’s that barrier, a sort of shroud of safety in that the pther person and I aren’t really talking to deah other. Which beggars that question of what “real” talking is. Is it voice to voice, as over teh phone. Is it face-to-face? Why is it not considered real talking when you’re chatting? Lack of formality? Lack of input from teh other person in terms of tone, in terms of facial cues? And, concurrently, what is it about writing things online that makes it okay to use what I’ll call blogspeak. This is the shortening of terms, such as using b4 for before. There’s also the lack of attention to grammar, spelling, punctuation online, and not just on blogs but on, for example news sites. I personally find a discomfiting lack of discipline in much of the informal writing I find on the net. I find it so because, even in a blog sent out only to a few friends, you’re still writing for an audience, so it behooves you to write as well as you’re able. I.E., don’t be careless about it. When writing for yourself, that’s one thing; for an audience, it’s much different.
5/18/05
Ever listened to asong that you can’t seem to get enough of? I’m experiencing that lately with Rob Zombie’s “Demon Speeding”. I’m getting back into him of late, so I downloaded a few songs from Apple’s iTunes, “Demon Speeding”, “Superbeast” and “Spookshow Baby (Black Leather Catsuit) (Mix)”. Next, I think is...hmmm, the “El Phantasmo and the Chicken Run Bowl-O-Rama”. That might be worth getting just for the title. That way I can tell people something unusual when they ask what my favorite song is.
More later. Mebbe.
5/19/05
Guess it’s my day to clean house. I found that, as quite often happens when talking with people on the net, at least one of them has not represented themselves with full discolosure, so to speak. Although, I do have to say they referred me to a web site with an accurate picture of them, and my attraction to them went striaght out the window. I feel callous ofr saying it, but the fact is I no longer find her attractive. Nice face, but, as I told her, bigger than I’m used to. Not four hundred pounds big, but too large for me.
So why not look past that? I simply can’t see myself with her. I’m not looking for somebody who’s model-perfect, but I have to have some attraction to them--I want the total package in that I want a great personality in an attractive person. I feel like I have that and I want it. I deserve it not because I’ve earned it an any sense but because I deserve to be attracted to someobdy with whom I might get involved.
And I felt a bit misled.
So, if anybody out there starts talking to somebody online, make sure there’s a good, accurate picture of the person on the site where you’re talking to them, or somewhere. I think people who only show pictures of their face or of one particular bodypart are hiding something, and so they are to be avoided--otherwise you’re just buying into their concealment.
I wasl also supposed to meet someobdy today, but they’re feeling poorly. the cynic in me says, “Interesting timing, that.” It says they’re nervous about meeting me. but I am not broken up about that at all because I was nervous, too. And the person does some things I don’t agree with--I shouldn’t be more specific. They weren’t right for me, but I was going to plunge ahead and meet them anyway, like an idiot.
But something happened recently; I prayed for God’s help, something along that line, and I feel like he’s intervened on my behalf. I, as I always should, am trusting him to open the doors that should be opened and shut those that need to be closed.
I’m also going to be more specific on the website where I’m meeting these people about what I will and will not accept. I think I was too open, which is not fair to anybody contacting me.
I know at least one relative who reminds me that I’m no spring chicken anymore. I should get with somebody. Thing is, it’s got to be the right somebody, and for that, I really have to listen more to God and trust him to bring myself and his intended for me together, and to stop sabotaging myself.
Interesting, isn’t it, how we tend to do that; sabotage ouselves into getting what we think we deserve, not what God’s got intended for us. God wants the best for us, and all we have to do is seek his will, know it, and to listen to him, to trust him. The peace in our hearts that comes from the Holy Spirit will serve as a great barometer for any situation, particularly in any interpersonal relationship. We’re good at deceiving ourselves, which is why we often don’t follow the Holy Spirit as closely as we should: we listen a bit for that still, small voice, and then we speak to ourselves in a similar voice that we convince ourselves is the Holy Spirit, but which is in reality not that. Sometimes, we can even become so good at deceiving ourselves that Satan cn just have his minions sit back and enjoy the show--they don’t have to deceive us because we’re doing such a good job of it ourselves. Why? Because we won’t listen. Why won’t we listen? Because we’re afraid that if we do, the Holy Spirit will tell us something we don’t want to hear, will instruct us to do something we don’t want to do. That’s where the renewing of our minds comes in; when we turn ourselves fully over to God, he renews our minds and fills our hearts with his desires, so that when we’ve got him first in priority, really, we don’t want anything that God wouldn’t want for us.
Interesting. Very interesting.
I wonder how much more we would enjoy our lives if we remembered our place, for Christians as the sons and daughters of God. If we would rely on God, really do so, for everything. Use the grace he gives us to resist Satan and his minions and to let God be God. I remember a verse from the bible, at the end of Ecclesiastes; the author, Solomon, I think, had tried about everything he could to gain knowledge, wisdom, happiness, to find something worthwhile. When it came down to it, he found the end of the matter to be: “Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man.” I think that’s Ecclesiastes 12:13. That’s what we do. Fear God not in the sense of being terrified but in terms of reverencing him and respecting him and doing what he commands us to do.
That doesn’t sound so hard.
Monday, 16 May 2005
hey
I haven't written here in some time. Sometimes, I think I should do this on a regular basis, posting these blogs, but I kinda do already; I never miss a once in a while. :)
I've been spending too much time on a website for friends called MySpace, chatting with gals from around the area. I'm supposed to have coffee with one of them on Thurs. We'll see how that goes.
What else? I'm waiting for word on whether my temp assignment's been renewed. I haven't heard anything suggesting it won't, so I'm just believing that it will.
I'm supposed to go to Barnes and Noble in a few minutes here and, hopefully, meet a friend, but she said she has to work--she doesn't know if she'll be able to make it. I was to find out about this Friday, but I pretty much forgot to ask, and I was planning on just hanging out here at home the whole day until I had to go to work until she reminded me. Glad she did.
For once, I haven't got a soapbox issue that I want to talk about right now. There are issues, but I don't feel like going into them, as they're pretty much the same stuff with which I've always got a problem.
The only concern to me right now is that the temp agency sends out my timecard--I told the responsible person to let me know if she couldn't find the timecard (a person other than the normal person took it as the normal person was out to lunch at the time). I told her where it is, she said she knows where it is, so there should be nothing to be concerned about--well, and I haven't heard from her. Sort of a no news is good news thing.
Anyway, I'm off to the bookstore in a couple minutes. Later.
I've been spending too much time on a website for friends called MySpace, chatting with gals from around the area. I'm supposed to have coffee with one of them on Thurs. We'll see how that goes.
What else? I'm waiting for word on whether my temp assignment's been renewed. I haven't heard anything suggesting it won't, so I'm just believing that it will.
I'm supposed to go to Barnes and Noble in a few minutes here and, hopefully, meet a friend, but she said she has to work--she doesn't know if she'll be able to make it. I was to find out about this Friday, but I pretty much forgot to ask, and I was planning on just hanging out here at home the whole day until I had to go to work until she reminded me. Glad she did.
For once, I haven't got a soapbox issue that I want to talk about right now. There are issues, but I don't feel like going into them, as they're pretty much the same stuff with which I've always got a problem.
The only concern to me right now is that the temp agency sends out my timecard--I told the responsible person to let me know if she couldn't find the timecard (a person other than the normal person took it as the normal person was out to lunch at the time). I told her where it is, she said she knows where it is, so there should be nothing to be concerned about--well, and I haven't heard from her. Sort of a no news is good news thing.
Anyway, I'm off to the bookstore in a couple minutes. Later.
Sunday, 8 May 2005
amazing
5/07/05
This life is nothing short of amazing. I asked God for a new dream, for some direction. He reminded me of a direction I’d wanted to head for twenty years, but had gotten off of. Now it’s possible to resume that course, which leads toward professorship.
It’s been my hidden dream since I was fourteen. To be an English professor. To have that PhD behind my name. To make, to me, a good income and, years down the road, live in a comfortable house in a university town where, occasionally, a student would come over. We would host wine and cheese tastings. I’d have my office where, after getting done with my school-related work, I’d write and write, putting out book after book, whatever I could produce between school and family. But I would keep writing.
Now that’s a possibility. The University of Iowa has a program in Interdisciplinary Studies which would allow me to get a PhD. Also, Yale and Temple have specific PhDs in African-American studies. I’m trying all of them and letting God point me in the right direction.
I’m chomping at the bit to get back into school. I value my time away because it let me deal with some things that needed to be dealt with, but it’s time to go back now. So, in fall of 2006, I think, I aim to be back in school and pursuing that PhD.
Why a PhD, though? Affirmation. Doing something unusual. I want it. Not that many people get a PhD, relatively-speaking. Many get their associates or bachelors, fewer get the Master’s, but a PhD...I don’t think there are comparatively that many of those. I’d be the first one in my family, and the third doctor. My sister is a D.C. (chiropractor) and my brother-in-law an MD, and oncologist, I think. I could be a doctor by the time I’m forty-one.
This is all subject to God’s will. If he wants me to go in a different direction, that’s fine with me, because it’ll be a better thing. Meantime, I’m pursuing writing and this.
So what of film? Sideline. I’ll still love to make that short film, take what acting roles I can, but that’s more on the back burner now. The passion for it just isn’t there.
I hope all of this isn’t just a justification to return to Iowa City. If I’m to return there, again, it has to be according to God’s will. Everything is subject to that.
This life is nothing short of amazing. I asked God for a new dream, for some direction. He reminded me of a direction I’d wanted to head for twenty years, but had gotten off of. Now it’s possible to resume that course, which leads toward professorship.
It’s been my hidden dream since I was fourteen. To be an English professor. To have that PhD behind my name. To make, to me, a good income and, years down the road, live in a comfortable house in a university town where, occasionally, a student would come over. We would host wine and cheese tastings. I’d have my office where, after getting done with my school-related work, I’d write and write, putting out book after book, whatever I could produce between school and family. But I would keep writing.
Now that’s a possibility. The University of Iowa has a program in Interdisciplinary Studies which would allow me to get a PhD. Also, Yale and Temple have specific PhDs in African-American studies. I’m trying all of them and letting God point me in the right direction.
I’m chomping at the bit to get back into school. I value my time away because it let me deal with some things that needed to be dealt with, but it’s time to go back now. So, in fall of 2006, I think, I aim to be back in school and pursuing that PhD.
Why a PhD, though? Affirmation. Doing something unusual. I want it. Not that many people get a PhD, relatively-speaking. Many get their associates or bachelors, fewer get the Master’s, but a PhD...I don’t think there are comparatively that many of those. I’d be the first one in my family, and the third doctor. My sister is a D.C. (chiropractor) and my brother-in-law an MD, and oncologist, I think. I could be a doctor by the time I’m forty-one.
This is all subject to God’s will. If he wants me to go in a different direction, that’s fine with me, because it’ll be a better thing. Meantime, I’m pursuing writing and this.
So what of film? Sideline. I’ll still love to make that short film, take what acting roles I can, but that’s more on the back burner now. The passion for it just isn’t there.
I hope all of this isn’t just a justification to return to Iowa City. If I’m to return there, again, it has to be according to God’s will. Everything is subject to that.
Monday, 2 May 2005
re-prioritizing
5/1/05
All right, all right! I give! I’ll write a blog entry. No, people haven’t been clamoring for it, but I’ve been meaning to.
A lot of stuff’s been going on, particularly Satan’s continued attacks and God’s continued shielding me from their full effect. God’s been proving to me that He’s watching out for me, and that when I’m in obedience to Him, things are going to go well. When I’m not, well, I’m walking less in grace and protection than otherwise.
I’ve been looking for God to give me a new dream, something I can pursue with the same fervor with which I pursued the acting thing, but with more wisdom. I can almost hear God saying, “Write, then.”
Something I gave up on a while ago was being an English professor. I was told I don’t have the requisite interest in theory. An interest in literature, yes, but theory is more important nowadays in PhD programs than just literature itself. And that’s that.
Still. I want it anyway. I want that English PhD. I have for a long time. Since I was sixteen years old, but I didn’t ever really tell many people. I almost want to say I want it more than a published book, but I don’t know about that.
So where’d the passion for Hollywood go? I think it went the same place my passions always go when the going gets hard: straight to the back burner. One of my mentors, Fred, clued me in on that, saying I’ve no tolerance for pain. He had a great point, and it was something I’ve known inside myself for a long time, but hearing it from him galvanized me somewhat.
There’s only so far a person can go without really trying. And, years ago, I’d convinced myself I wanted to see how far I could get without really trying. I was lazy. And I didn’t want to make waves. And I didn’t want my dream squashed.
Problem with that is, I wound up squashing my own dreams through lack of effort.
So now what? I don’t know. Keep writing and finishing and sending. Truth to tell, I only want the PhD for the affirmation. That’s almost the same as with getting a book published, but the difference there is that I love to write. I love the work. Not so much the research, although I haven’t done enough of that to really tell (which might be a hint to the astute observer). Same also for acting. I don’t really like acting that much, from what little I’ve done of it. I just wanted to see my name up there and get affirmation from that.
Well, affirmation’s no reason to pursue a particular career. I should choose one I love, following God’s leading. That leaves writing. I love the work. As another mentor mentioned, the work should be its own reward. And as I’ve said on this blog, for me, I feel like it is so in my case; each day I finish my quota, for lack of a better word, I feel as though I’ve justified my existence for the day.
Wow. Nothing like writing your thoughts down to clarify them and see what you really think.
So, if there were no hope of ever getting published, would I still write? I think so. In some capacity, anyway. Probably stories and letters. Long letters to close friends with patient eyes.
But there _is_ hope of getting published, of selling work. There’s the thing. With writing, the work is its own reward, and then maybe somebody pays me for it, which is another reward, and I communicate, or God communicates through me, which is another reward, and then maybe somebody knows my name, which, although selfish, is another reward. Heck, maybe I even sell a screenplay and see my name in the movie credits. Maybe I get awards for that. Maybe I even get an Oscar for it. All of this can happen.
Now, more than ever, I am a writer.
All right, all right! I give! I’ll write a blog entry. No, people haven’t been clamoring for it, but I’ve been meaning to.
A lot of stuff’s been going on, particularly Satan’s continued attacks and God’s continued shielding me from their full effect. God’s been proving to me that He’s watching out for me, and that when I’m in obedience to Him, things are going to go well. When I’m not, well, I’m walking less in grace and protection than otherwise.
I’ve been looking for God to give me a new dream, something I can pursue with the same fervor with which I pursued the acting thing, but with more wisdom. I can almost hear God saying, “Write, then.”
Something I gave up on a while ago was being an English professor. I was told I don’t have the requisite interest in theory. An interest in literature, yes, but theory is more important nowadays in PhD programs than just literature itself. And that’s that.
Still. I want it anyway. I want that English PhD. I have for a long time. Since I was sixteen years old, but I didn’t ever really tell many people. I almost want to say I want it more than a published book, but I don’t know about that.
So where’d the passion for Hollywood go? I think it went the same place my passions always go when the going gets hard: straight to the back burner. One of my mentors, Fred, clued me in on that, saying I’ve no tolerance for pain. He had a great point, and it was something I’ve known inside myself for a long time, but hearing it from him galvanized me somewhat.
There’s only so far a person can go without really trying. And, years ago, I’d convinced myself I wanted to see how far I could get without really trying. I was lazy. And I didn’t want to make waves. And I didn’t want my dream squashed.
Problem with that is, I wound up squashing my own dreams through lack of effort.
So now what? I don’t know. Keep writing and finishing and sending. Truth to tell, I only want the PhD for the affirmation. That’s almost the same as with getting a book published, but the difference there is that I love to write. I love the work. Not so much the research, although I haven’t done enough of that to really tell (which might be a hint to the astute observer). Same also for acting. I don’t really like acting that much, from what little I’ve done of it. I just wanted to see my name up there and get affirmation from that.
Well, affirmation’s no reason to pursue a particular career. I should choose one I love, following God’s leading. That leaves writing. I love the work. As another mentor mentioned, the work should be its own reward. And as I’ve said on this blog, for me, I feel like it is so in my case; each day I finish my quota, for lack of a better word, I feel as though I’ve justified my existence for the day.
Wow. Nothing like writing your thoughts down to clarify them and see what you really think.
So, if there were no hope of ever getting published, would I still write? I think so. In some capacity, anyway. Probably stories and letters. Long letters to close friends with patient eyes.
But there _is_ hope of getting published, of selling work. There’s the thing. With writing, the work is its own reward, and then maybe somebody pays me for it, which is another reward, and I communicate, or God communicates through me, which is another reward, and then maybe somebody knows my name, which, although selfish, is another reward. Heck, maybe I even sell a screenplay and see my name in the movie credits. Maybe I get awards for that. Maybe I even get an Oscar for it. All of this can happen.
Now, more than ever, I am a writer.
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