this may be controversial toward the end

6.24.06

Well, I’m recovering from one of the worst single days in my life. Lost the lead actress in the film I’m doing, so I have to find another one. But that’s good because she wasn’t the right person. She’s probably a fine person, but that doesn’t mean she’s the right one for the part.

Then I thought somebody'd gotten angry with me, which upset me.

Then I went to my parents’ gravesite and, as I couldn’t exactly talk to them, talked instead to my best friend, as she’s the next closest person to me. That was pretty helpful. And my co-producer on the film talked with me and sort of held my feet to the fire, trying to encourage me that though this filmmaking is hard, and it’s hard to deal with the frustrations that come, if this stuff was easy, it probably wouldn’t be of God. Thing is, God wants to do stuff that is beyond our natural ability so that we’ll have to rely on Him to take care of it and give glory to him.

Oh, then I watched “Wonderland”, the movie starring Val Kilmer, about some murders. Taht was fine, but I watched a good deal on the bonus disc about John Holmes, the porn star who was allegedly involved in the situation, and I felt pretty slimed. On the other hand, I feel a lot better about myself having seen what happened to him. Many people would probably like to be, er, built like him, but that came to be the only thing he was really famous for. What woudl it be like to have your identity wrapped up in your package? Ewww! I’ll just take what I’ve got and be happy with it, thank you very much.

It feels so good to be here in Stabuck’s, my old familiar store, my favorite one, writing, even if it is just this blog.

Victoria, my co-producer, had asked whether I’m a director, editor or writer and asserted that you have to pick one sometimes. I’ve been trying to be producer, director, writer, editor and actor. Great way to spread yourself out too thin. So I’m trying to figure out, just make a decision, whether I’m a writer or actor and then pursue that. As my best friend says, better to be really great at one or two things than mediocre at a bunch of stuff. So mybe I can be both writer and actor, but just stop it there. Let somebody else produce. Let somebody else edit. Let somebody else direct.

Years ago, there was a prophecy, or prophetic word, spoken over me. Part of it that I didn’t understand except intermittently was a bit about my not always having to be the strong one and, later, to bring down the shields. Yesterday, as I was talking with my best friend, that came up--that I’m sick of putting a positive spin on things to the point of denying reality. Still, reality is what you make of it, isn’t it? And we live by the words of our mouth. I think, as she mentioned, there’s a balance to be found between being Capt. PerkyPositive and Private Negative. It’s hard to even write beyond this. I think the way out is to perhaps acknowledge that not-so-good stuff happens but to say that, bless God, there’s a way beyond it, that you don’t focus on the negative but focus on God and the negative will more fall away.

There’s this beautiful young blonde sitting outside with somebody I assume is her mom. Just a rather striking. Very tall, maybe 5’10” minus 3-4” heels. Just thought I’d mention her.

I was telling my best friend about having gotten Metallica’s Black Album again and how it’s depressing. Thing is, I think it’s that I associate it with a dark time in my life. I listened to that album for a long, long time. But maybe now it’s time to get past it. Not to not listen to it anymore, but to not let myself get taken back to that dark place by it. I still like Metallic’s older stuff and their newer stuff, but I’d still rather listen to Zombie than the Black Album.

6.25.06

I think I might have changed my mind about the Black Album. I’m listening to some of it now, in a better mood, and it seems much more okay than it was earlier. Maybe it’s just to not listen to while I’m in a bad mood. And thsi after I said I’d give it to a n acquaintance at work. So I might be out another ten bucks. Still, that’s not so bad, there’s more money and a lot more copies of the album floating around out there. I don’t want to tell somebody I’m going to give them something and then not do it. That’s character-destroying, as well as confidence-destroying for them (I mean confidence that I’ll keep my word).

Wow. There is something aural in “My Friend of Misery” that I’d never heard before. These Apple earphones are really good. They’re not the ones that come with the iPod, but they’re a step above those.

Things have been repaired between the person who I thought was upset with me and myself, which has me feeling a lot better. I thank God for that. He’s a much better repairer of stuff than I am.

Speaking of friends, here’s something I don’t understand: how can one have a lot of friends? Not that it’s a bad thing and not that I’m wondering about how to get a lot of friends, but I wonder how people keep up with that many other people. Myself, I have a few close friends, people whom I trust with about everything about myself, and then I have a lot of acquaintances. I don’t know that I’d call them friends, but they are people to whom I am friendly, usually when we meet in a common situation/context, like church, and to whom I’ll say hello and pass a bit of the time of day with if I see them outside that context, but we only _know_ each other in that usual context. And I like it that way.

This had me wondering how I’m going to handle fame when it comes. I think just remain grounded and remember who I am. I dont’ know how long it’ll take to get there, wherever “there” is or if I’ll acknowledge it when it does come. I think I will, though.

I wonder if it’s because of a lack of grounding that some stars lose their way and, eventually, fade away into “normalcy” again. Then they find themselves, hopefully, and can make it back doing what they love, whether that be acting or whatever.

I’m struck by the difference between yesterday and today with this Black Album. Yesterday I could hardly stand the thing. I think it’s because I was so out of joint and could only focus on the negativity in the album, of which there’s a good deal. Or maybe I was more sensitive or less grounded then. Maybe it’s my mood.

I was just cleaning a couple of spots of coffee off the X and W keys of my computer. I do love my computer. I’m just a blessed dude where this is concerned. Same with the car and the apartment. I got the best for the money, and it’s God who did it. I really believe that. It’s about favor. Not doing a favor but about FAVOR. And grace. The two are related.

Here’s something some readers of this blog are not going to like: my view on abortion’s been solidified, and I think it’s something God showed me that solidified it. What I think I got was this: if a baby needs to be aborted, it will be. It’s called a miscarriage. God designed the woman’s body that way. So I just don’t see any justification for an abortion. Reasons, those I can see, and I think I have heard them all. Justifications, I can’t, though I think I’ve heard or considered all of the arguments there as well.

Now, all that said, what happens, though, if abortion is outlawed? Do we go back to the days of the back alley pseudo-doctor? The coat hanger? I shudder to think what might happen.

So for me it’s a question of going on killing babies (I’m a conception guy--I know some who aren’t) or maybe going to something worse. I just don’t know. This is one of those places where I really have to let go and let God. I’d love it if abortions weren’t ever “needed”. I’d also love it if nobody was ever raped, or a victim of incest. I can feel my throat tightening with sadness, rage and outrage as I think about such barbarism.

I’d better stop there. I don’t want to get too ticked off right now and say a bunch of stuff I’ll just want to edit out later.

deja vu explained?

6.21.06

Deja Vu explained?

I think I got this from God, as He shows me a fair amount of stuff. It sounds plausible to me: Most people have experienced deja vu, but I’ve wondered how it happens. Here’s an idea: Since our spirits are eternal, that means they’re not subject to time. So, what if, while we’re asleep, part of us sort of 'detaches' or stretches from ourselves (or can rise above or look ahead in time) and can be brought farther ahead along our timeline (the line of time our life follows). We go ahead in the spirit world and see some stuff, then come back when we wake up. When we, while awake, in the natural, come to the spot we visited while dreaming, we remember it. Deja vu. We feel like we’ve been in this time/place/situation before because we have. Make sense?

thank God again, but for something different...more important

6.15.06

Thanks to God again, but for something different this time:

I’d been in fear about something, gotten prayer from the Oral Roberts Prayer Line and still felt very anxious. So I got further prayer about it, this time from the Kenneth Copeland Ministries accepted my freedom from fear and went to sleep feeling better. When I woke up, the anxiety was gone. Praise God for that!

trip and "Almost Famous"

6.07.06

So I got this idea to go up to one of my favorite cities, where I spent most of my college career. Now that the dates have pretty well been confirmed and arrangements tentatively made, I’m getting excited to go. I’ll get to see some, but not all, of my best old friends, thought I’ll save a visit to my best friend until later in the year, as this person is in a whole different state.

I’m anxious to get up there and see some of the old places and how they’ve changed, if they’ve changed at all. Knowing this city, they have changed some, but the really cool stuff will probably be as I remember it. The people in that city are pretty good about keeping what’s cool about the place.

I didn’t really realize how much I missed the university there until just recently. I mean, I could spend the rest of my life there, in segments anyway. I’ll probably spend a good deal of it going back there for short visits.

6.09.06

I just saw “Almost Famous”. Remarkable movie. Beautiful movie. I’d seen part of it, but not all of it. I’m sitting here thinking about my best friend, of whom the movie as a whole reminded me very much.

I miss her. And I love her very much. I think that I now understand better the passion she feels for music, and I love that about her. I’m blessed to have a friend like her. I don’t say this to embarrass her (You-know-who, sorry if it does embarrass you--I don’t mean it that way), as she’ll probably be reading this--I’m just saying what’s on my mind.

Y’know, as sappy as I get sometimes, I’m almost surprised at the difficulty I have writing a love scene. Probably because these are two different kinds of affection...