another epiphany

I was writing a letter yesterday, and I had wondered, at least inwardly, what I had been doing writing for the last fifteen years when I should have been acting. I don't even know that that's so, but what I do know is so is that I have occasionally felt like I wasted fifteen years not doing what God wanted me to do.

Thing is, it wasn't a waste.

I was just watching an interview with Martin Landau, the older guy from the movie "Ed Wood", an actor I keep coming across in one way or another. Anyway, he was talking about writing, and God showed me something key: I know character. I go this knowledge from writing characters. I know what seems false. I know good writing when I see it. I know clichéd stuff when I see it. And my knowledge of character informs my ability to play a character. It, in fact, occurs to me that, to a certain extent, I have a lot of experience playing characters because one does that a bit in writing. Certainly, if you're writing properly, you're inside characters' heads.

I hadn't noticed, or had forgotten, that connection between writing and acting. I think I'm a better actor now, with my experience in writing, than I would have been without it. Very interesting...thanks once again to God. :)

Wherever you go, there you are.

I was thinking a day or so ago about my weight. I'm definitely overweight for my height, let it be known. Anybody who sees me can see that. But. But I was starting to pine to be in the shape I was in college, when I had some supposed "before" shots done. I would like to be back in that shape. As I was thinking about that, though, I think God showed me something: I felt the same about my body then as I do now: that I was fat and out of shape. I didn't appreciate the shape I was in.

I have always, almost, felt the same way about my body, and I think a lot of people feel the same way; that they're out of shape. They don't appreciate the shape they're in. Now, if your ideal weight is 180 and you weigh 280 and the difference isn't in muscle, then I would think, yeah, put down the fourth Zagnut in last ten minutes and go take a walk. But if that ideal weight is 180 and you're 190, don't worry about it.

I have a big problem with the self-image people seem to be encouraged to have. I mean, the very idea that you can't be too thin is ridiculous. Too thin=anorexic=death. Too fat=obese=(eventually) death. I think we should have a healthful attitude toward our bodies and get them into the best HEALTHY shape we can, but we're not all going to be Arnold Schwarzenegger or Demi Moore. I think we have to just look good for who we are and appreciate ourselves as that.

Now, those who know my diet, or my perceived diet, know I'm not the healthiest eater. Far from it. This blog isn't as much about that as just the realization that God brought me to: how you see your body is not shaped by the shape the body is in but the shape the mind is in, so it's best to have a realistic and healthy, unclouded view of it. If you hate yourself with 50% bodyfat, you'll hate yourself with 5% bodyfat.

It's all a matter of inner perspective...

frustration alleviated

So I've been going about very frustrated that more hadn't been happening as far as getting a paying acting job. Then I had some time at work, and the rule there is that I can listen to my headphones as long as I can hear the telephone. Easy solution there: just listen to one earbud and leave the other free.

Well, I had a lot of time over the last few days I worked and listened to a lot of Kenneth Copeland messages as well as one by Keith Moore called "Keep Expecting". What happened is I got less frustrated because I was being built up listening to this stuff instead of thinking about my career. The "Keep Expecting" message was particularly helpful because he defined the difference between faith and hope. Both are important, but there's expectation (because of belief) behind faith. I realized that I had stopped expecting the career to happen and just been hoping it would. I don't know that I really believed it would. Now, because of what the Word says, particularly when it says to ask what you will and you'll receive it (if you're following God's way), I had to start expecting it because I asked God for it. I'd prayed, of course, numerous times, asking guidance and for the career to happen, for the paying acting part to happen. Now here's the kicker: if I ask for something from God and then refuse to believe he'll grant it, assuming it's his will, then I'm calling God a liar because I'm, in effect, saying I don't believe he'll do what he said he would. I mean, it's right there in the Bible. Am I to say that the Bible is right in every respect except in my case? Not if I'm submitted to it as the final authority, which I am. So I'm left with no choice but to expect that I asked for in line with his will to come to pass and to keep on expecting it and following whatever steps God tells me to take.

I gotta tell ya, it's a lot less frustrating now that I am expecting all of this to happen rather than just dreamily hoping it would. I'm ready to take whatever steps God wants, including just waiting on him. I'm a lot closer to being able to consistently do what I keep saying (quoting somebody else): let go and let God.

I'm reminded of another place in the Bible where it says, "having done all to stand, stand". In other words, once you've done all you're to do, hold firm, hold fast, don't back down, don't waver. Rather like a guard is only effective if, with all his training and equipment, he remains alert and at the ready.